I’m not a fan of sports.
That’s the understatement of the year. Let’s be serious: I fucking hate sports. Athleticism and I are ancient enemies, and have been ever since the birth of Middle School’s cruel “Skill Tests,” which are clearly designed solely to humiliate the awkward and/or fat kids. Honestly, can you think of anything more demeaning than being forced to climb a rope in front of 60 viciously judgemental tweens?
If you answered yes, you’re what I call a “Skill Test Prodigy,” and are clearly designed solely to further humiliate the awkward and/or fat kids. You should be ashamed of yourself, and your ridiculously high standing long jump score.
For me, the absolute worst was the “Free Throw.” We were each alloted three minutes to score as many baskets as possible, all while our savage and bloodthirsty peers looked on. Brilliant, huh? Not surprisingly when considering the conditions, I scored a perfect ZERO. Everyone was stupefied.
“That was a fluke,” the PE teacher said, masking her snicker with a bogus cough. “I’ll give you another try.”
Did she genuinely believe she was doing me a favor? More likely, she found my astonishing incompetence to be amusing, and simply wanted three more minutes of unsurpassable entertainment.
“I’d rather just take the zero.”
“Well I’d rather not be a gym teacher, but I ain’t whinin’ about it.”
Nine minutes later, I hobbled off the court. I had made 1% of my shots and lost 100% of my dignity. A passionate hatred for everything resembling athletics fermented that day, and has not since dwindled in the slightest.
But when I was offered 10th row tickets to the Red Sox/Yankees game last night, I decided it was time for sports and I to make amends. Watching them is far eaiser than playing them, but still requires a few Know-How’s. I thus present to you The Girly Girl’s Guide to Fenway:
1. Disguise youself as a die-hard fan @ the Yawkey Way Store, the souvenir store across from Fenway. With over 100 sweatshirt designs to choose from, you’re sure to find something cute, but that’s not to say it’ll be cheap; one zip-up sweatshirt and a baseball cap cost me $150. Don’t I look legit, though?

While displaying your fanhood is important indeed, warmth should be your prime concern. For me, staying warm meant wearing two sweatshirts, knee high skiing socks, gloves, a hat, and two very heavy blankets.
2. Get drunk. Every time you polish off a beer, stack a new one inside its empty cup. This is a good idea for three reasons: 1) it makes you look eco-friendly, 2) your hands will stay warmer because of the thick barrier, and 3) you’ll always be aware of how many drinks you’ve had. When your stack of cups becomes too high to handle, it’s probably time to stop drinking anyway.
3. Familiarize yourself with the art of heckling. This step is critical and thus requires its own small series of steps. All examples were heard last night.
- Be brief. Remember that as a heckler, you’re performing for the sections around you. If your planned burn is a 5-sentencer with the punchline at the end, your audience will likely start laughing before you’re through. In said case, they’re laughing AT your drunk ass, not with it.
Sufficient burn: “Yankees suck!”
Mere blabber: “Hey Yankees, you’re from New York and everyone thinks you’re a bunch of overpaid prima donnas who haven’t performed in the post season in eight years. Basically, when it comes down to it, you pretty much just suck!”
- Attacks on a professional athlete’s personal life are open season. In fact, some of the greatest hecklers in the world get their material from athletes’ exploits AWAY from the field.
Sufficient Personal Burn 1: “Hey Clemens, Canseco’s having another bash. B.Y.O.’Roids. Can I get a ride?”
Sufficient Personal Burn 2:
Vendor1: “POPCORN heah!”
Vendor2 “Cotton Candy heah!”
Heckler: “Hey A-Rod: Steroids heah!”
- Of course, uncertainties about an athlete’s personal life can be equally effective.
Sufficient Personal Burn 1: “Gaaaaaaaay-Rod!”
Sufficient Personal Burn 2 (Team Attack):
Heckler1: “Jeter, you suck!”
Heckler2: “Yeah! And A-Rod, you swallow!”
- *Bonus: Throw in a Boston accent for added effect.
- *Also note: The drunker you are, the wittier you are. Even if this isn’t actually the case, you’ll be drunk enough to believe it is.
- *Also note: Remember to harass not only the opposing team, but also any fans who may be in attendence.
4. Eventually, you’ll get a bad case of the drunk munchies. Stick to the basics with a Fenway Frank. Or, if you can muster up the nerve required to order something entitled “Fried Dough,” I’ve heard it tastes exactly like heaven. As far as Italian Sausages go, you’re better off buying one from the sausage vendor on Lansdowne St.

All in all, Fenway park is most certainly a hotspot. Red Sox players are sexy, and so are many of their drunk fans. Plus, it’s actually quite an entertaining game. Just be sure to dress warm, heckle wisely, and watch out for balls flying at your nose (“there goes your social life!”).

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