Explore Your Sexuality @ Brown
The city of Boston contains 27 colleges, and its suburbs contain 29 more. According the Boston Globe, there are about 336,503 students living in our domain. Assuming half of these students are males, I have over 150,000 guys my age to choose from! A single girl’s dream, right? Wrong. As any Boston girl knows, Harvard guys are pompous snobs, MIT guys awkward bores, Emerson guys psychotic emos, and Suffolk guys illiterate douchebags. Harsh, but true. We’ve also come to learn that the gentlemen at BU are perfectly lovely but perfectly gay, and that those at Northeastern are simply a lost cause; we can’t get past their ridiculously thick Baaahston accents, keddd.
So Suez and I finally decided to take matters into our own hands. We ventured to Brown in hopes of finding some decent bachelors. It all began when we couldn’t find a parking space on campus. First, we asked a group of girls for help. Ever so eloquently, one responded, “Uhhh…parking’s a bitch.” And that was that. She and her friends looked a bit like this:
We thanked the girls for their valuable guidance and drove about a block further before calling over a group of guys. After recovering from the initial shock of their sheer gorgeousness (pictured below), we sweetly explained our dilemma. Much to our surprise, the boys responded completely articulately and promptly invited us to party that night. Beauty, brains, and sociability? Within three minutes at Brown, we had encountered what we’d been searching for our whole lives in Boston.
As we drove on, we noticed something extraordinary. It seemed every girl we passed was just like the one we’d spoken to: makeupless and frizzy-haired, with an antisocial disposition and a poor complexion. Girls, what does that mean for us? Say it with me now: NO COMPETITION! Similarly, every single guy was sexy in a laid-back, manly, intellectual sort of way. What a refreshing change of sexiness! In Boston, the only guys who have nice faces and hot bods are not only obsessed with themselves, but constantly decked out in guido attire (*gag*).
This is where we took a wrong turn. Figuratively, not literally. We parked the car successfully and headed over to meet Suez’s guyfriend from HS. He is a member of a co-ed frat. LADIES, DO NOT – I REPEAT – DO NOT ATTEND A PARTY HOSTED BY OR EVEN ASSOCIATED WITH A CO-ED FRAT IF YOU HAVE ANY HOPES OF FINDING YOURSELF A STAIGHT BOY. Suez and I will never be the same. We met some truly amazing people, all of whom adamantly believed that everyone on Earth is bisexual. I overheard some of the strangest and most intriguing conversations ever that night. Here are some direct quotes:
Suez, to a drag queen: “Wait, you’re straight?!”
Drag queen: “Well…if you round up.”
Girl: “Yeah, I dated that guy once. We were both blatantly gay. If we were to have a baby, it would be the gayest baby ever. We’d have to tell it, ‘You were born gay and you’ll always be gay.’ It’s simple science.”
I don’t have a problem with anyone I met that night. I simply said, “Maybe everyone IS bisexual; I just don’t want to date someone who realizes it.” Hey, call me a Conservative. Wait, no, please don’t.
Let’s sum it up:
Brown = TONS AND TONS AND TONS OF HOT GUYS WITH ZERO COMPETITION!
Co-ed frats at Brown = Only for those who are liberal enough to call themselves Bi or date someone who does.
thats actually a fairly accurate description of my former house. you forgot to mention that you and susan were attracting copious amounts of attention due to your wearing of model outfits in the middle of the day