How to turn The Walk of Shame into The Stride of Pride

Admit it, girls: at least once, we’ve ALL woken up in a strange place, with a throbbing head, wearing last night’s outfit. Sometimes our reasons are innocent (ex: “I slept at Jane’s because I was too drunk to drive”), and sometimes they’re not (ex: “I slept at didn’t-catch-his-name’s because I was too drunk to respect my own morals”). Either way, it is imperative that we learn exactly what to do in such an instance, and who better to imitate than Audrey Hepburn? Take a look at her, mid-Walk of Shame:

The first thing you’ll notice is that she looks fabulous. How is that possible? I’m sure you’re wondering. We tend to wake up looking like this:

Below: What is on Princess Beatrice’s face?

And feeling like this:

Below: Looks like someone had a rough night.

Believe it or not, it is possible to make yourself look decent. The first step is to always carry Tarte Cheek Stain with you. Smudging this on your lips and cheeks after you wash up will automatically make you look 75% better. (Rachel Bilson claims it’s the only makeup she ever wears, which is both an irritating comment and a blatant lie.) If your host doesn’t have an extra toothbrush, use your finger; it’s better than nothing.

Now is the time to make use of any bonus items you may have with you. If you’ve got sunglasses, gum, a hat, or any sort of clothing that will make you look like less of a skank, put it to use. If not, man up.

It’s time to get some coffee. You’ll need the blackest and biggest kind available (that’s what she said!), according to Dr. Oz’s hangover remedy. Find yourself a coffee shop and CHUG like you’ve never chugged before. By the time you’re finished, you’ll feel like a new woman. Your disposition, once hungover and groggy, is now anxious and jittery. This is actually a BIG step forwards. You are now ready to begin your journey home. There are a few different ways to do it:

1. The Celeb Walk (Recommended): Walk quickly, with your head down, and at least one hand covering your face. Everyone assumes you’re a celebrity, but nobody can quite get a glimpse. If you want to take this to the extreme, put your coat over your head and ask a large man to guide you through the streets. This walk has never failed me.

Below: Can you tell me apart from the celebs? Neither can anyone else.

2. The Shameless Stroll (A bold move): Why does the Walk of Shame have to be shameful? That’s what the fearless Holly Golightly would say. Learn from the best; try walking slowly and aimlessly, stopping frequently to peer into shop windows. It can be a lot of fun, and all it takes is a simple attitude adjustment.

3. The Cab Ride (A cop out): If you have cab fare, it’s hard to avoid this painless option. Jump in a cab and roll your way home if you must, but know that you are missing out on a prime opportunity to build character.

4. The T Ride (Social Suicide): Don’t do it. First of all, the T is nauseating; it’s crowded, dirty, and jerky. You should never place yourself in these conditions after a night of binge drinking. Second of all, it’s filled with people who have their shit together; families on their way to museums, professionals on their way to work, etc. Nobody resembling you will be on the T, because they know better than to lock themselves in small boxes filled with judgmental people, and you should too.

If you really want to make the most of your experience, don’t go straight home. When I woke up at TJ’s for the first time, there was a foot and a half of snow on the ground. TJ (being the gentlemen that he is), gave me $20 for a cab; I (being the lush that I am) decided to use this money towards a few Kir Royals (Champagne and Creme de Cassis) and an omelette. So I called my friend Elena and walked through the snow, in heels, to meet her at Le Petit Robert Bistro (468 Comm Ave).

This hotspot appears to be quite fancy, but all breakfast/lunch entrees are under $12, and dinner entrees under $20. Try not to freak when you see “Calf’s Liver” and “Duck Magret” on the menu. Stick to a Scrambled Quiche Omelette with Bacon, a Kir Royal (or six), et pour le dessert, un Gateau Petit Robert.

When you begin to feel tipsy, make it your mission to find out whether or not your waiter’s French accent is genuine. This can be achieved by speaking to him en francais and evaluating his response, possibly out loud if you’re feeling extra woozy. Do not, however, attempt friendly banter with the tables beside you; they’ll consider this rude.

When it’s finally time to stumble on out, you’ll have completely forgotten that you’re mid-Walk of Shame. You might even consider going home with your waiter; please abstain, though. The Walk of Shame is one thing, but the Double Walk of Shame is quite another.

~ by Brittany Fischer on March 27, 2008.