How to Score a Fancy Hotel Bathrobe in 4 Hours

Fellow college students, America’s future is in our hands. Our years as Undergrads are meant to prepare us for this terrifying responsibility. We should be spending our nights inside, quietly reading fine literature and scholarly works, contemplating humanity’s carbon use efficiency, and making plans to change the world.

But instead, we choose to get wrecked and lose all our shit.

Above: The kind of behavior that necessitates facebook groups titled, “I lost my phone and need your numbers…again”

1. Lose something.

I am probably one of the biggest shitshows in history, and am therefore absolutely retarded when it comes to keeping track of my belongings. On my very first day of college, I lost the entire contents of my purse while Jello wrestling. Things have only worsened since then.

One day, after leaving my wallet in a cab, I received a call from the prestigious Jurys Hotel. Apparently, one of its occupants had found it in his cab and brought it to the front desk. Still in my pajamas, I BOLTED to the Warren Towers elevators…and then waited 15 minutes for one to arrive. During my wait, I recruited Suez and Elena to join me. They, of course, were completely decked and looking as hot as ever. Anyway, off we went!

Above: The Jury Hotel

2. Meet Famous Athletes @ Jurys Hotel

When we arrived at the entrance, we encountered a swarming line of scantily-clad twenty-somethings waiting to enter the hotel bar. Obviously, though, we weren’t waiting in that line; we charged ahead triumphantly, explained the situation to the bouncer, entered, and finally retrieved my wallet! When I opened it, I found a note inside:

Brittany, I found your wallet in a cab. I’m in room 402. — Shabana

“Excuse me,” I blurted to the receptionist. “Have you seen the man who wrote this?”
“Shabana? Yes. He’s here for the U.S. Open.”

I looked at Susan. Susan looked at Elena. Elena looked at me. That’s all we needed to hear. First on the agenda was getting me out of my pajamas and into something decent. Elena authoritatively ordered that Susan give me her coat and leggings; we complied. Let’s think about this for a moment: I am wearing nothing but a pea coat and leggings, and Susan is wearing nothing but a VERY short shirtdress. We ditched my pajamas and hopped in the elevator.

3. Mingle with Famous Athletes @ Cuffs

When the doors opened, we suddenly found ourselves in a jungle, and I mean jungle, of athletes. Clearly, the entire floor had been taken over by competitors. We awkwardly found our way to Room 402 and knocked on the door with all the conviction we could muster.

What we didn’t know was that we were knocking at the door of Amr Shabana (Men’s Vogue: “one of the world’s fittest, most skilled athletes. In Egypt he is a household name”) and Ramy Ashour (“a 20-year-old phenom who is revolutionizing the sport of Squash”).

Above: The occupant’s of Room 402, as pictured in Men’s Vogue.

The five of us ended up getting along pretty well. First, we met them for drinks at the hotel bar. (Yep, the same bar that lines were wrapped around the block for.) It’s called Cuffs, we found out, and is a fashionable Irish Pub. When we breezed in on the arms of sports celebrities, we saw why others would be willing to wait. Complete with floating, lighted staircases, a crackling fireplace, and an enormous sunken patio, the bar was swanky and sophisticated. A waitress led us to the VIP table, seated us, and took our drink orders without carding. We ordered a round of Mojitos. And then another. And then another. And then one more. The boys spoke mostly Egyptian Arabic, which led to some truly bitter silences, but it seemed the more we drank, the less we noticed. When the boys asked to take us to dinner, we enthusiastically accepted: being poor college kids, we NEVER turn down a free meal.

4. Be Wined and Dined by Famous Athletes @ Parker’s Restaurant

I immediately knew where to go: the ever-popular Parker’s Restaurant. We arrived at the Historic hotspot in seconds; it’s between Tremont and Province. Beautiful mahogany paneling, brocade chairs, and marble tabletops have created a wonderously warm atmosphere since the restaurant’s opening in 1855. It was the perfect spot to introduce the boys to Bostonian cuisine, as it’s the celebrated birthplace of Boston Creme Pie, the Parker House Roll, and Boston Scrod. We also ordered the New England Clam Chowder and Pan-seared Jonah crab cakes, said to be the best in Boston, and couldn’t help but agree. But while the food was delicious, my favorite part of dinner was the endless flow of Cabernet Sauvignon.

5. Make a Run for it

After dinner, we happily returned to the 4th floor and met countless famous Squash players from around the world. We convinced the boys to order Champagne, and then playfully changed into the Hotel Bathrobes. (We were drunk and thought it was a HILARIOUS idea at the time.)

Suddenly, though, we were faced with a dilemma. As the boys Googled themselves flagrantly, boasting about their many achievements, we started to see their true colors; they were definitely conceited. Then, one of the boys started creeping on Susan very aggressively. This wasn’t our style all. We started to feel like a bit like hookers, or groupies…but for athletes.

I don’t remember why the boys left the room. I can only assume they were obtaining trophies and magazine covers to show off to us. Again, I looked at Susan. Susan looked at Elena. Elena looked at me. We needed to leave, and we needed to leave NOW. In our brand new, $200 bathrobes, we snuck down the nearby staircase and sashayed out the doors. The crowds applauded and snapped photos of us while we hailed a cab.

“Try not to get into too much trouble!” the doorman called after us with a wink.

And that, my friends, is how it’s done.

~ by Brittany Fischer on March 28, 2008.